In my youth, I used to play alot of Poker -- and, by Poker I am referring primarily to 5-card draw, which is Poker as God intended it.  For a while there, my friends and I played cards almost every weekend.  We'd gather at my friend Dave's house, order up some pizzas and spend the entire night taking each others money.

Although 5-card draw was my favorite, we played other Poker variants, like 7-card stud.  We introduced a few others over the years, but we generally stuck to the basics.  It wasn't until we were all much older that one of us introduced Texas Hold'em into the mix.

In a moment, this will become abundantly clear, but I'd like to state it plainly...

I really hate Texas Hold'em. 

It wasn't until I began writing this entry that I realized why it is that I hate it so much.  I mean, I love poker, right?  So why would a particular variant piss me off so damn much?  Let me see if I can properly explain.  My loathing falls along a few lines...

First, although there are multiple ways to play the game, the one that was made popular by the World Series of Poker TV program is called "No Limit"...

I have to stop here for a second.  I thought the human race had reached a low point in it's history with the widespread popularity of "reality" shows.  But, what kind of horrible strain of "stupid" has infected the people that watch the World Series of Poker?  I mean, holy crap... you are actually watching people playing cards!

Ok, sorry, back to the topic... where was I? Oh, yeah, "No Limit".  This is a great concept for a tournament, but for playing at home?  Wow does this suck:

Me: Ok, I'm all in!

Player: I call.

Me: Ha!  Bad move.  I have a Full House!

Player: Fool!  I have a Royal Flush.

Me: Dammit! That was only the first hand, and I am already out of chips.

Player: Whatever.  Loser.  Hit the road.

Ha!  What a friendly game.  I can see why so many people like it.  I sometimes wonder if I'd be better off simply hurling my "buy in" onto the front lawn of my friends house as I drive by, just to save time.  I wish that was the worst of it, but unlike other poker games, this game has spawned it's own vocabulary.  Let see that same conversation in hold'em-ish: 

Me: Ok, I'm all in!

Player: I had the nuts on the flop!  And you are short stacked anyway, so I call!

Me: Ha!  Bad move... wait... what?

Player: Fool!  I had broadway on the turn!  And you were probably drawing dead all the way to the river! 

Me: I... um... are you high?

Player: You totally sucked out! 

Me: Can I go home?

You can see how this would make playing the game even more tedious.  But Hold'em players did not stop at creating their own language.  No, alas, they went on to creating their own system of math as well.

I am not questioning the realities of the situation here.  The cards that come up are based upon sound statistics and probability principles just like any Poker game.  They are well documented and well tested, but not even remotely understood by Hold'em players. 

These are not mathematicians we are talking about here.  The average Hold'em player needs a calculator for flash cards.  At one point it was suggested to me, by one of these mathematical marvels, that if I shuffled the cards too much, I would unshuffle them.  Then again, this is the same person that insisted that "8, 2 unsuited is the best starting hand in the game" (No, I am not kidding.  Sadly, neither was he).  Genius.

But now, suddenly, they are all experts in statistics and probability; able to instantly and accurately calculate the odds on every hand.  Let's have a shot at that conversation one more time:

Me: Ok, I'm all in!

Player: Since I had the nuts on the flop, there is a 65.2% chance that I have you beat, so I call!

Me: Ha! Bad move... wait, 65.2%? Where the hell are you getting that from?

Player: Fool! I started with a 52.4% chance of winning, and then I made broadway on the turn, increasing my chances by 25.3%!

Me:  Asshat... That doesn't even add up.

Player: I am going to kick 35.2% of your ass!

Me: Bring it!  Bitch!

For the few times that I have suffered from a colossal lapse of judgment -- the kind brought on by severe head trauma -- and have actually agreed to play Texas Hold'em, this last mock conversation seems like a fairly accurate account.

So, if you play Texas Hold'em, I wish you well.  May your hand be free of rags, and your flops full of nuts.  I, however, will stick with good old 5-card draw... at least 86.7% of the time.