It's no secret that I have a certain fondness for bacon; everyone that knows me is aware of it. But I don't think most of them realize just how fond of it I am. I love bacon in a way that a man should not love a preserved meat.
I sometimes find myself day-dreaming about it. Right in the middle of the day I will occasionally drift off, fantasizing wistfully about a particular slab of heaven that I recently purchased. Thinking longingly about how later, when I get home, I will be able to transform it from the unassuming mass of smoked meat and fat into a fantastic orgy of crispy deliciousness. Whipping myself into a heightened frenzy until, finally, I can contain my enthusiasm no longer and I scream out:
"Oh bacon you flirty, lusty whore! Why do you tease me so? When I get home I am going to make sweet sweet love to you!"
This is usually followed shortly thereafter by a very awkward silence and some pretty uncomfortable questions from the other people in the meeting.
But how can I help it? I find it irresistible. When I die, I am pretty sure it is going to be because a chunk of bacon-fat broke free from the wall of a pulmonary vein and struck my heart at high velocity causing my chest to explode with a sickening fleshy "Thwump!".
My tombstone will likely read:
It is because of this deep love that, over the years, I have received many emails from my friends and family notifying me of some new bacon-related product, or a new way in which to cook it. Many of these products and recipes are simple and creative, but some of them are foul, unnatural, evil ways to use bacon. For example:
That last one, with the woven mat of bacon strips drenched in cheddar cheese...? It haunts me.
One of the few problems with bacon is that, in my opinion, it has "bad press". It seems like every time you hear anything about it, it's some story related to "health risks". Bacon needs a marketing campaign! Many other food products have adopted slogans to help spread the good word of their tastiness:
"Milk, it does a body good"
"Behold the power of cheese"
"Beef... it's what's for dinner"
"Pork... the other white meat"
(Chicken, apparently, doesn't need a slogan, since everything tastes like it.)
So, I got to thinking... why not have a slogan for Bacon? And so, the slogan I am proposing is:
"Bacon... makes everything better!"
Think about it! It's true! What food is not made better with bacon? One of the people involved in my market research suggested one possibility: bacon. But then I countered that adding bacon to bacon means MORE bacon, and that is better, and they agreed that this was indeed true.
So, my brothers-in-bacon, go and spread the good word. Bacon is the king of meats! Don't let the nay-sayers scare you away from it! Stand up, shake your fist in the air and loudly proclaim "Bacon makes everything better! Viva la Bacon!"
And, then sit down and catch your breath.
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