Your kids suck

14 Oct

As a parent, I have spent alot of time and energy trying to be as unbiased as possible.  There is no doubt in my mind that my kids are the best kids, ever.  But there was never a need to rub it in the faces of the other parents.

But, after all the bullshit I have seen and heard kids do in the last few years, I give up.

Your kids suck.

I am sorry, but they do.  And it’s your fault; you are shitty parents.

I wish I could say “You know who you are!”, but the fact is… you don’t.  You think you are awesome, and you think your kids are angels.  But, you are so very wrong.  You are wrong to a level that cannot be measured with modern instruments.  We would need to travel to a far distant future where they have massive banks of “wrongometers” capable of measuring trillions of wrongs per second in order to begin to calculate the sheer volume of wrongness contained in your fragile body.

No, your children are not angels.  They have abused my children too many times for me to ignore it anymore.  The details really don’t matter, so I won’t post them here except to say that my kids are frequently the victims of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of your foul spawn.  And it’s starting to piss me off, in case that isn’t obvious.

Now, while I don’t like seeing my children hurt, I do understand that this is part of life.  You gotta take the good with the bad.  My problem isn’t with the fact that they get hurt.  My problem is that there are never any consequences for the actions of the children who hurt them.  Ever.

Schools, for example, no longer have any authority to mete out punishment that has any meaning to children.  In many schools, teachers aren’t legally allowed to touch children even to save them from harm!  They frequently get in trouble for yelling at them.  They can’t even keep them after class anymore… no no… Jimmy has Soccer practice then!

The chosen punishment at my kid’s school is the issuing of a “demerit”.  Wow… I bet that has the kids shivering at the mere thought.  Best I can tell, the scariest thing about a demerit is that you might get a paper-cut from it.  This is clearly not the type of punishment that we need…

Billy (crying): Ms. Harmony!  Jimmy punched me!

Jimmy: Did not!

Ms. Harmony:  Jimmy… You know that we’re not supposed to hit.  I’m afraid that means you get a demerit.

Jimmy: Sweet!  That gives me 49!  Mommy says I get ice cream when I get to 50!

Jimmy punches Billy again.

Billy (still crying): Ow!  My spleen!

And why aren’t schools allowed to punish children in a way that actually works?  Because many parents won’t let them!  They’ll say “My Jimmy would NEVER hurt another child!”.  Even if there is video evidence.  Even if their child is actively pummeling another child while they are saying it!  Even if their child’s name is not Jimmy! (They aren’t very bright)

If I ruled the planet… situations like this would be dealt with in a swift and severe manner.

Billy (crying): Ms. Harmony!  Jimmy punched me!

Jimmy: Did not!

Ms. Harmony: Jimmy… I warned you about this yesterday.  You know what that means.

Ms. Harmony slowly pulls a yard-long plank of well-worn ironwood from a leather sheath strapped jauntily to her hip.  The hissing sound it makes as it is drawn causes the entire playground to fall silent in grim anticipation. 

Jimmy: Mother of God!  Not “The Bullywhacker”!  Please… mercy…

Ms. Harmony: You’ve left me no choice.

Jimmy runs — they always run — but he is hit by a taser long before he reaches the electrofied playground fence.

Haha!  Oh that Jimmy!  Even if he had somehow made it past the fence, he should have known that he’d never make it through the moat.  That’s what I call negative reinforcement!  Here… I created this simple diagram for those that are interested in using negative reinforcement for raising their children.  It should help clear up any misconceptions.


Seriously though… when did it become ok for our kids to be assholes?  It’s not cute people!  When I see the way kids act today, it makes me feel like pimp-slapping their parents.  I think parents these days understand how to train a dog better than they know how to raise kids.

No, I am not suggesting that raising children is as easy as training a pet.  What I am suggesting, however, is that if training a pet is like Algebra and raising a child is like Calculus, then these parents are still working on their “times tables”.

So, even though they are not the same, there are some basic principles that are.  For instance, when they do something good, reward them, when they do something bad, punish them.  This is NOT a difficult concept to grasp, and yet I see parents doing the opposite of this all the time.

The MTA, yet again, provides me with a real-world example…

One time, I was traveling on a bus in the city.  I only needed to go two stops.  When I got on, there was some drama already in progress.  There was a woman sitting in an aisle seat, and a screaming child standing in the aisle next to her.  He appeared to have a larger than normal lung capacity, since I am certain that he was bellowing like a wounded water buffalo for several minutes, without taking a breath.

It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on.  He wanted the seat, and his mother wasn’t going to let him have it.  As annoying as his screaming was, I was very happy with how the mother was handling the situation.  She was coolly ignoring him.

But then, just before I got off the bus at my stop… she ruined it all.  She got up, and gave him the seat.  Congratulations asshat, you just taught your son a valuable lesson: “Hang in there!  Your tantrum will pay off!”.  Idiot.

On my planet, you would need a license to breed, and it would require an IQ test.

But alas, we live here on Earth where any bozo can have children.

And so, I say it again…

Your kids suck.

Please stop making more of them.

Leave a comment

Posted by on October 14, 2008 in Gripes


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

three × = 27