I keep a list entitled “Things that annoy me”, that I sometimes use as fuel for blog entries. As I discover new things that piss me off, which I do with alarming frequency, I add to this list. Keep in mind, I usually add to it when I am actively being aggravated by something, so the entries are not always useful, but they are almost always profane. Entries can be as specific as: “Those fucking plastic covers on CD cases” or as general as: “People”.
Occasionally, however, when I review this list I see something worthwhile; a wee little nugget of information that fans the flames of my blogging furnace. In my latest list review I discovered a small pattern relating to cell phones and the people that use them. Apparently, just about anything you can do with a cell phone annoys the hell out of me. This is supported even further by the fact that whenever I see someone walking around, talking on a cell phone, I feel like donkey-kicking them into oncoming traffic.
At first blush, you might think I am an anomaly… a nerd who hates cell phones. But, I don’t think that’s really the case here. I, personally love my BlackBerry more than Oxygen, and wish to be buried with it; I am almost certain that I spend more time with it than I do with my kids. No… if you read each of my gripes below, I guess it’d be more accurate to say that I hate people who use cell phones.
First on my list are people who use “hands free” kits with their cell phones, but hold the microphone to their mouths. If it is not instantly and abundantly obvious to you why this is mind-numbingly stupid, then I have no respect for you, but I grudgingly forgive you. If, however, you are actually one of these people, then I do not forgive you; you are unforgivably stupid.
Similarly, there are the people who keep moving the cell phone away from their ear and closer to the mouth when they speak, then moving it back to their ear to listen. Somewhere, in their tiny little lizard brains, they believe that they are making their voice sound clearer. When, in fact, since the microphone is designed to be a certain distance away from their mouths, it is probably overloaded and they sound more like a cement mixer filled with broken glass.
Next up on the docket are people that leave their Bluetooth headsets in their ear all the time. I am not quite certain what the thinking is here. I guess they think this is the best way to be able to very quickly pick up their cell phone when it rings. As if there is a prize for answering calls in less rings than everyone else, or a punishment if they do not…
*ring*… *ring*… *ring*…
Cecil: Hello, this is Cecil P. Douchemeyer the third, how can I help you?
Bob: Cecil? This is Bob, your boss. It took you three rings to answer the phone. I’m giving the Peterson account to Johnson.
Some of them, I am sure, think that they look totally cool. They believe their headset puts them on the bleeding edge of technology, into the upper echelon of the technically elite. When, in fact, they really just look like utter tools. I suppose when bluetooth headsets were new, like a decade ago, it might have been some sort of status symbol, but now that they sell them in grocery stores, I think the shine has worn off a bit.
I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about the destructive radio waves that are constantly bombarding their sad little brains.
Last, but certainly not least, if you have read any of my other blog entries you know that I ride the Long Island Rail Road into, and eventually out of, work every day. Those of you that are familiar with the LIRR probably think I am going to say that I hate people that talk loudly on cell phones while they are on the train. Since they (the LIRR, not the annoying people) even have an ad campaign dedicated to that very problem, you’d probably be willing to bet your jobs on it. Well, pack your shit in a box, because that’s not it! What annoys me is… when people talk loudly… period. The cell phone really doesn’t enter into it; frankly, neither does the train.
On one occasion, I actually had to endure 45 minutes of loud conversation about American Idol that was so insipid that I would jump at the opportunity to use a mellon-baller to remove the brain-matter that contains the memory. They were arguing over the merits of each contestant with the same passion that sane people would argue about presidential candidates. I entered that arduous 45 minutes hating American Idol, but I left it with a burning desire to beat and urinate on anyone that even mentions the show.
And there was not a cell phone in sight!
So, you may be wondering what this has to do with my blog entry. What gets my goat here, is the ad campaign itself! The LIRR wastes a ton of energy targeting people that talk loudly on cell phones, and yet they seem to condone being a loud-mouthed idiot!? Where is the justice in that?
No matter what you say, my occasional whispered cell phone conversations about work are not more annoying than your long and detailed conversation with your friend about your recent colonoscopy.
On my planet, the railroad campaigns would be slightly different…
“Attention Long Island Rail Road passengers. Thank you for being part of our ‘Smart Train’ campaign. If you have the I.Q. of spackling compound please exit the train now; don’t wait for it to stop. Thank you.”
Hahaha… Oh, the ride into work would be so much more pleasant with only the occasional muffled *splat* to interrupt an otherwise blissfully silent journey.
So, in conclusion, as with most technology, I’d be perfectly content with it if we could just get rid of the retarded users.
Educate, or eradicate… whichever.
Let’s work on that, ok?