Au Nauturale

28 Feb

When you’ve written a blog entry dedicated to your aberrant love of bacon, people tend to discount your opinions about things that are all-natural.  I suppose I cannot blame them.  I mean, I am not exactly what you’d call a health nut, after all.  But, there is no question about it… most UN-natural foods taste much better than their all-natural counterparts.

I attribute this phenomenon to the fact that un-natural foods embrace the addition of “flavors” to make them tasty, and “preservatives” to keep them tasty.  Whereas most all-natural foods are “pure” and “unmolested”, which means that they will rapidly degrade until they taste, look, feel and smell like the contents of a fully-loaded diaper.

NOTE: They probably sound like it too and, although I don’t have any empirical evidence to prove it, I imagine it sounding like: *pbth*

A favorite of all-natural acolytes the world around is a substance called granola, which is a mixture of rolled oats, nuts and dried fruit that looks like a forest creature’s wet dream.  Whenever I see a human being choking it down, and forcing themselves to look like they are actually enjoying it, it makes me sad.  Because, lets face it folks, anyone that thinks granola doesn’t have the flavor and consistency of driveway gravel is seriously delusional.


But this is not about flavor; if you want to subsist on food that tastes like garden mulch, that’s your prerogative.  No, this is not about flavor at all.  This is about something much more important.  This is about Defending the Human Race! 

Allow me to explain…

Natural, as per my dictionary of choice (, means:

“Existing in, or formed by nature”

That makes sense..  and nature is defined as:

“The elements of the natural world, as mountains, trees, animals, or rivers”

That sounds like the nature I know and love!  So, animals are part of nature and anything created by them is natural.  Awesome.  So far, that makes perfect sense.

Keep in mind that humans are animals too, just like… say… a beaver (although larger, and with smaller incisors).  And, when a beaver painstakingly constructs his dam… that’s natural; we don’t say that it’s beaver-made, right?

Ok… hold that thought… because here’s where the English language, once again, takes an interesting turn.  The SAME dictionary also defines nature as:

“The natural world as it exists without human beings or civilization

Wait… so, humans are no longer part of the natural order of the Earth?

I must have missed the memo.

At what point did we decide that everything that humans touch is an abomination to the natural world?  Seriously… who decides these things?  Is there some elusive society of human-hating humans that plots for their own demise?  Some secret grand council of nature-loving granola-eaters?  The Treeluminati?

Somewhere, deep in a cave at an uknown location, the leaders of the Treeluminati meet to review their diabolical plans…

Cypress: How is our diabolical plan to exterminate all humans going?

Sequoia: Quite well, actually.  Just last week, we were able to convince the dictionary makers that humans aren’t actually part of nature.

Willow: At this rate, within 10 years humans will be so disgusted with their own existence that they will willingly hurl themselves into the vacuum of space.

Cypress: Excellent!  That’s years ahead of schedule!  Good work!

Pleased with their progress, they all pile into their hybrid cars and make the long drive back to their solar-powered homes to watch Dancing with the Stars which is likely sponsored by Exxon.

You never know… they might exist!

And, it’s not just the loose definition of the word “nature” that bothers me.  I also resent the implication that just because something is natural that it is good for you.  Because I can confidently tell you that, while hemlock is perfectly natural, you will find it dramatically unpleasant to ingest (Just ask Socrates!).

So, if you want to eat food that is good for you, I suggest to read an ingredients label every once in a while, because, I can tell you that all-natural doesn’t always mean what you think it does.  Don’t trust the promises of marketing departments.

But above all else, please stop trying to convince me to eat any of that slop.  I’ll stick with my high-fructose corn syrup and sodium benzoate, thank you very much.

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Posted by on February 28, 2009 in Gripes


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