Powers Corrupt

01 Apr

Have you ever had the “If I was a Superhero” conversation with your friends?

That’s the one where you all decide what powers you would have if you were ever unceremoniously dumped into a vat of toxic yogurt, or bitten by a radioactive weevil, and then you spend several hours arguing over who could kick who’s ass.  These arguments can get quite heated, especially if there is a comic-book nerd in the group.


Everyone has their own opinions about which powers are the best ones.  Some people choose to be almost impervious to damage (like Wolverine), others choose to have almost infinite strength (like the Hulk), I always choose the ability to stop time (like Einstein).  I figure that, given infinite time, I can defeat anything.

For instance, in a fight with the other two, I would just taunt the Hulk until he was in a frothing “Hulk Smash!” rage, wait until he wound up for the full-on overhead two-handed pile-driver, and then stop time and put Wolverine in my place.  Naturally, I would then “pants” them both, before walking a safe distance away and starting time again.

Wolverine: Hey bub.  Why don’t you-  what the!?

*The Hulk’s fists crash down with impossible force, instantly liquifying Wolverine*

Hulk: Hulk mom NOT “so fat she need own zip code”!

*Hulk smashes his fists down again, just to be sure and then stops… breathing heavily*

Hulk: Hulk feel better now… but… why wang feel cold?

If you haven’t had this conversation with your friends yet (the one about being a super-hero, not the one about Hulk’s wang), you should try it.  The powers they choose can tell you alot about them, and the resulting arguments over who’s superhero is best can be positively scintillating, especially if everyone has been thoroughly basted in liberal quantities of alcohol first.

Anyhow, I mention this exercise because when my mind is idle, I frequently think about how I would wildly abuse my powers to change this pathetic world to better suit my needs.  I mean, what good is having super-human powers if you can’t use them for your own personal gain, right?

For example…

When I am driving, and I see some douchebag racing along, weaving in and out of traffic, and my blood-pressure starts to rise at a rapid rate, it makes me feel like choke-slapping them with a tire-iron.  But, instead, I simply close my eyes and imagine what my super alter-ego would do…

In this situation, I would stop time, calmly exit my vehicle, walk over to the, now stationary, speeding asshat-mobile and cheerfully carve a six inch gash into all four tires with a box-cutter.  When time was restarted, his (or her) car would careen off the road in a fantastic fiery wreck.

Ahhhh… sweet justice.

Then, of course, I would open my eyes only to realize that, for the last 30 seconds, I have been driving 70 on a crowded highway with my eyes closed and I would swerve all over the road in a desperate effort to regain control.

But that is not the point!

The point is that there are many situations that could benefit from a super-powered kick in the ass.  For instance, I frequently daydream about all the good I could do at work:

Cecil: Welcome to the seemingly-never-ending meeting that accomplishes nothing but to consume your valuable time.  I am glad you were all able to make it, even though you clearly had no choice.  Let’s start with… wait… we don’t have an agenda.  Silly me… we never do! *Cecil laughs*

*There is a brief, disorienting flash of light and a rustle of papers*

Cecil: What the-… Where’d everyone go?  What is that smell… *sniff*… bacon?  And where the hell are my pants!?

No need to thank me, citizens!  I am just doing my job!

Yeah… if I had super-powers, I would strive to make the world a better place for nerds everywhere!  I would fight the oppressive hordes of idiots that plague this planet!  I would strike at the source of the problem: Reality Television!  And I would show no mercy!

I have the plan.

I have the yogurt (all of which is toxic, in my opinion).

Now all I need is a cool costume and a catchy name.

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Posted by on April 1, 2009 in Uncategorized


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